In the last post I discussed the first prayer that in my experience God always answers: Grow me. When we ask for God to grow us he is faithful and will place something in our path that we much choose to use for our growth.

The second prayer that God always answers is "Break me".

This is a dangerous and tough prayer to get past this lips. In my experience it comes with repentance or the need for repentance. When I have prayed break me it was because I had been building up a shell around myself which had hardened and was making me inflexible to the demands of the Spirit.

The biblical writers call this a hard heart. When the prophet Ezekiel was speaking to the nation of Israel about their sin he echoed God's heart to His people with these words:

I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. (Ezekiel 36:25-27 )

Cynicism about people, the trauma of life, disappointment, failed expectations, a rocky marriage, rebellious children, lust, dependence; these and much more cause our hearts to slowly turn hard as stone if we do not deal with the issues properly.

The prayer of break me is in line with the heart of God but it hurts when he brings the hammer down on it. Ezekiel promises the new heart and spirit but my experience is that it isn't a delicate surgery but God smashing through the hardness.

Often that which has made us hard has chained us down into negative patterns of life. It might be a failed relationship that causes us to keep all others at arms length or lust that keeps us chained to the computer screen. I believe God can simple wipe away these negative patterns and free us but this is the road less traveled. Rather, when He breaks away the stone He causes us to confront our sin, decisions and the patterns that occurred afterwards in order to grow us.

Afterwards we need to stay broken to be attentive to the Spirit of God afterall

 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
  a broken and contrite heart,
  O God, you will not despise. (Ps 51:17)

God answers this prayer because he wants to see us broken. Not broken as in disrepair but broken of hardness, because when we are broken we are truly fixed.

It's been quite a while since I last posted. The time gap weighs heavily on me, not because of an obligation to let you know what I'm up to, but because blogging is such a cathartic release.

Conversations with my mentor this week have highlighted the need to continue to let things go before you dry up and become useless. He picked up this post Empty Inside in particular where I made the statement "I feel empty inside, the tank is dry." He told me two things that I wont soon forget.

1. That in his work (he is the Pastor to Pastors for my denomination so he interacts with a lot of them), he see's this all the time. Pastors who have stopped replentishing themselves and have run dry. When you get to that point you start to dig in to the wrong parts of your character, the unredeemed parts, and you always end up regretting it.

2. The second thing he told me is that he doesn't want to see me ever writing something like that again.

He wasn't telling me to censor my thoughts, but rather to be more deliberate in how I plan my time with my family, church work, other work commitments and everything else. If I don't, if I continue to burn myself out, I might find myself looking back at my alienated family, failing ministry and failed life.

I read a story this week about a baptist pastor who was so consumed with his ministry that he didn't have time to mow his lawn. One night his wife reminded him that tomorrow morning all his daughters friends would be coming around for her birthday party and he realized that the knee high grass wasn't really child friendly. So in the middle of the night he went out and with a torch in his mouth cut the grass.
When he was half done he looked around and noticed that peeping behind the curtains were all his neighbours wondering what the hell was going on. At that point he realized that his authenticity with his neighbours was completely shot, why would they entertain a religion that keeps someone so busy?

It's food for thought.

There is something about the Word of God that can make a person just come alive!

Last night I met with two fellow elders of my church and we sat down to open the Scriptures and nut out a theological and ethical issue that has been nagging at us for some time. We were discussing the importance of baptism and it's linkage to church membership.

Nothing heavy :)

Churches of Christ, the denomination I "belong" to has traditionally held to a very strict "no baptism, no membership" policy since it emerged out of the restoration movement. We were taking a fresh look at it because of inter-denominational transfers and trying to reconcile the traditions of other Christian traditions. (I recently wrote a paper on the issue and my college would like me to pursue some post-graduate research on the topic).

All of that is actually beside the point. Before I arrived at the meeting I was still in my morose, disconnected and melancholy but while I was there and engaged with the Word of God I felt alive once more.

The things of God have the ability to excite me even when I am feeling dead in the world, the trick for me is to be motivated to go into the Word when I feel like this which is no easy task.

the things of God excite

(Source)

God has been teaching me a big lesson lately and it's not one I think I'm ready to learn. It's all about time.

A few weeks ago our preaching pastor and I were talking about his workload. He is about to finish up his work with our church and has ramped up his ministry in other areas. At the moment there is an overlap and he asked me the question "How do you fit it all in". I stood their and answered him honestly, "You take the time you would devote to your number 1 priority and divide it over all the lower priorities". By that I meant you steal time from your family and spend it on the other jobs we must do.

Doing this is ok in for a short time because there will be times when we must simply finish a task or put food on the table. Doing this for the long haul is not ok, and I've being doing it for the long haul.

These past few weeks, since answering that question honestly I have been physically, mentally and Spiritually exhausted. I need to take a break but every time I find time something else pops up to fill the newly created gap.

I guess I'm asking you quazi-anonymous people to pray for me. For strength, for wisdom and for endurance.

When I was worship leading this Sunday morning it was a real struggle to do it. There was a mini-revolt from some singers because they didn't like the songs, others were pressuring me to make changes. I prayed for God to lead me as I lead the church but midway during the service I lost my grip on Him and never quite recovered.

I feel empty inside, the tank is dry.

At the moment there are two things keeping me going. The love of my wife and Jesus' promise that the well of living water he has caused to spring up inside me doesn't not diminish but rather overflows from me into the lives of others.

The truth is, I'm still seeing that overflow into other peoples lives. I still see God effectively ministering through me to those who He brings across my path even though I am broken and empty inside.

I am a cracked pot still leaking out his love.